Ending the Reprieve (368 Days to Go)

It feels like it's been forever since I've blogged.  Oh, wait, it kind of has been.

Essentially I more or less had to completely remove myself from anything and everything wedding related for a little while or else I was going to turn Bride-zilla and never come back from the edge.

We finally found our venue, so I'm pretty ecstatic about that.  We're going to be having an outdoor ceremony lakeside at Penn Scenic View and then moving the reception indoors.  It even has a large balcony area overlooking the lake for cocktail hour.  Going to see the venue had been an experience all on it's own.  But that's what happens when you have three additional opinions and inane questions being asked.  Add to that major sleep deprivation and you have a cocktail so sour no one wants to take a sip.

To add to the hectic vibe of the day, I got a phone call two days earlier that my wedding dress had arrived more than four months earlier than expected.  I made arrangements to get to the shop just before closing the same day that we were looking at our wedding venue in order to try and save on gas.  Remember, three weeks ago, gas was at it's highest price ever.

Now since my fiance was going along to see the venue, we had to drive separately so that he could leave at that point of the day to go teach his class that also happened to be nearby.  But that still left me with two mothers and an 11-year-old niece in tow.  The moment we walked in the door, our niece started to whine about wanting to try on her bridesmaid dress.  When I explained that it hadn't been chosen yet, she insisted that she would choose.  I told her no.  Of course the two mothers insisted we might as well check some out.  Insert enormous eye roll here for getting unwanted opinions on something that doesn't directly pertain to these people.

I then listened to both mothers lecture on how bridesmaids have to be matchy-matchy and that it wouldn't be appropriate for half of my bridesmaids to wear their dresses with straps and the rest not to.  It didn't seem to matter to them that the bridesmaids (who like me) can't wear straps because of sloped shoulders would be a distraction every five minutes by adjusting their straps.  Or better yet, the busty ones forced to forego straps would be popping out mid ceremony.  I pretty much lost my cool and told them they both needed to shut up because it wasn't their decision and that bridesmaids dresses had moved on since either of them had last been married.  See the bride-zilla wanting to come out and snap?

Finally, my consultant was free to bring out my dress.  It was a perfect fit.  And I mean perfect.  My grandmother will only have to hem it by one inch and bustle it.  Talk about easy-peasy.  However, by the time I got my dress, my niece had been whining sufficiently long enough to convince my mother to go pick out some dresses for her.  Now keep in mind, she's eleven and just starting to wear juniors clothes and is approximately a size 5.  I am a size 10 and had to order a size 16 which turned out to be a perfect fit.

She tries on one dress and it doesn't quite zip up and she starts bawling about how fat she is.  And I mean bawling.  This kid has officially stolen the title of bride-zilla and she's only the junior bridesmaid.  I am now standing in my wedding dress and fielding glares from every other customer in the store.  And nothing can get her to stop crying!  She literally has a psychological problem in which she's convinced herself that she is so overweight to the point where she works out more than Richard Simmons.

When she finally does stop crying, she has adamantly decided that there is a dress she wants to wear for my wedding because it is literally a hot pink short skirted version of mine.  I glare at my mother for even pulling the dress off the rack and put my foot down.  Absolutely not.  First off because it's nearly three hundred dollars and I will not ask that of my bridesmaids.  Secondly, I am not going to have my bridesmaids look like me on my day.  Call me selfish, but I want to be a little unique aside from the fact that I'm the only one wearing white.  I certainly don't want my dress to be less awe inspiring just because the guests have already seen seven different colored versions of it walk down the aisle before me.  This puts her into another burst of tears.  And for once, I can't wait to get out of my wedding gown and out of the store.  I'm tired of getting glares that accuse me of being an evil wench just because my niece is psychotic and spoiled.

That day, Jeff and I also clarified with our mothers how the guest list would be split.  My mother was perfectly okay with the split.  His parents were very much not okay.  They felt as if we were shorting them.  Que extended pain and suffering due to guest list limitations for quite a while longer.  Eventually I learned that this stemmed from her feeling as though we'd be shorting ourselves on the available guest list for the bridal shower.  Insert large eyeroll here for a bunch of useless kitchen gadgets that would be triplicated with a bridal shower.  Jeff and I already have too many rolling pins and wooden spoons, thank you very much.

I spent the next week on the phone with everyone.  The venue manager (in order to obtain contracts for every cabin/lodge on the property), the caterer to finalize the date and location, the event planner, etc.  I signed away nearly every penny to my name in order to put down deposits and spread the joyful news to my bridesmaids and groomsmen that their lodging for the weekend would be all expenses paid.  I then put away everything wedding related and vowed to not give it a second thought for at least a few weeks.

Memorial Day weekend reopened a few of the wounds however.  Mostly due to the 11-year-old niece who spent a great deal of time again whining about her weight.  Combine that with the fact that she's missed her period for a couple of months and you have me greatly agitated that she won't listen when you tell her that she's working out too much and is now getting to be too thin.  Pretty soon, I'll be kidnapping her to put her in the hospital for eating disorder treatment.  But she was also complaining about how I'm not going to be including her in going to choose the bridesmaids dresses in a few months (in about August probably).  I explained as nicely as I could that I needed the time to be for big girls and that I could not be baby-sitting her.  I needed the freedom to be able to go out for dinner with my girlfriends who would be coming in from out of town and not feel like I have to say no because she can't go barhopping afterwards.  Also, she has too expensive of taste.  Top that off with eventually if she doesn't become anorexic, she'll outgrow her dress whereas the other girls will have their dressing hanging in their closets for a few years to come.  She doesn't seem to quite grasp that dresses cost money that the rest of us work hard for.  She merely sees it as grandma will be paying for it, so who cares about what those little numbers are following that weird "S" shaped symbol.

Once I finally got the wedding to be off topic for the weekend while we were camping, I still had to deal with her obsessive behavior on her weight.  And the multiple attempts on her 2-year-old sister's life due to stupidity.  And every time that you yell at the older girl to stop doing something, she turns it into, "Why do you hate me?!" and goes running off.  Personally, I don't think it's smart for a girl who can't tread water to be standing on the slick steps to a 30-foot quarry with her baby sister.  To complete that mental image, my fiance who uses those stairs almost as much as he does the ones we have at home, fell on them twice and neither girl had on a life jacket.  I about died when I saw them down there by themselves.  And when she ran off all upset that I hated her, she then tried to lie to her grandfather about why her baby sister was soaked up to her waist.  Adorable 2-year-old of course is telling her pappy all about standing in the water with the fishies.

I officially no longer want children.  For gosh sakes, they don't even wait to be teenagers anymore before they become pathological liars with eating disorders.  What the heck?!

Now you can understand why I haven't been writing for a while.  There's nothing like spending your time ranting on a kid.  I feel bad, but I don't know how to get through to her and it does nothing but stress me out to be around her all the time.  Jeff is actually the one who's dubbed her bride-zilla.  And when I really need some time away to get my head together and collected and calm, it really doesn't help when this girl insists on attaching herself to me all the time.  I appreciate that she wants to spend time with me, but I can't be her mother, especially when her mom wants to be her mom.  And I definitely cannot keep sacrificing time with my fiance in order to play happy family with her, especially if she's going to have more mood swings than I can manage in a month in the course of one evening.

Preparing to Go See More Venues (396 Days to Go)

So this weekend Jeff and I are going back out to the Laurel Highlands/Westmoreland County area in order to view two more venues.  This time we're going to go look at Scenic View (which has a lake and a relatively nice looking lodge) and we're actually hoping to get inside of the Falling Water venue this time instead of just peeking in through the windows and cracks.

However this time we'll be going with my FMIL and 11-year-old niece in tow.  This worries me.  They sort of invited themselves along on Mother's Day and both Jeff and I didn't have the heart to refuse.  I mean there's really no fantastic reason as to why we should refuse.  Is there?  Now I'm slightly worried that the nearly constant poo-poohing that's been going on will taint Jeff and I's initial feelings about one or another venue.  The other problem is that my FMIL has not seen the winery/resort that Jeff and I did and even if I drive her up to the location she will not get the full tour.  Therefore she might start to tell us that we should pick one location over another without having as much information as we do.  This is a point of concern for me.  Especially now when I found out that she's been to see two venues without either Jeff or I going with her.  Luckily she came to the conclusion on her own that they will not be suitable.  Still, isn't this a decision for Jeff and I to make?

It also brings up another problem.  My mother was not invited to go.  And I have now spent the last two days trying to get a hold of her to take care of this possible situation.  If I don't invite her, it will eventually come to her attention that my FMIL did go along without my mother also being given the opportunity.  Of course this will result in all kinds of hurt feelings and awkwardness.  So, therefore I'm trying to avoid that.  There is the chance that she'll understand that I'm stuck with the extra carpool guests and not come, however, if I do invite her, she may come along and be yet one more unwanted opinion. 

Yes, I'm already preparing myself for the very real possibility that my FMIL's opinion after this weekend will be unwanted.  Not because she will necessarily be wrong or without good taste, but just not fully informed or concerned with the same aspects that Jeff and I are.  Her goals for the venue are merely the number of chairs, air conditioning and bathrooms.  Each are very important, yes, but they are not the sole goals that Jeff and I seek.  At least we both semi agree on the all important dollar.  Well almost, I'm the biggest cheapskate of the bunch which is why we're looking all the way out where we are. 

I hate to say that in some ways my mother might actually be closer to being on my side for once.  I think for the most part though lately she's trying to sit on the fence so as to not offend anyone, but if she's forced to choose, she has been picking my side.  This is kind of a first for her and I.  Mom has been better about listening to me and accepting that there are certain things that are important to me, such as the scenery, the vibe, etc. of a place.  These are things that account for naught with my FILs.  They are very much in favor of a very utilitarian wedding.  Boo.  This is my one and only wedding and I want it to be special and I'm determined not to make my wedding to Jeff feel like a dress rehearsal for something else.  This is what happens when you're the daughter of someone who's been remarried as often as my mother.

I must sound terrible.  I sound terrible to me just reading this.  It's just that I'm really getting my heart set on something and it's important to me that people stop poo-poohing everything.  It's my wedding, gosh darn it, and most importantly it's my money and future debt.  It doesn't thrill me that everyone else wants their opinion counted twice while mine gets ignored or worse yet, trampled on.  I understand that no one is expecting a fancy, frilly wedding.  But did anyone consider that it's what I want?  I want for my wedding to be memorable.  I don't want my wedding to blend in with everyone else's that we know.  So what if they all had their receptions in some white-walled reception hall?  I want mine to have a connection with nature.  So what if every other wedding you've gone to served crappy, tiny slices of cake.  I don't plan to.  Does that mean I shouldn't bother tasting cakes at all before I order it?  I'd like to make sure that when it's smashed into my face it won't chip a tooth.  And I definitely want to make sure that there isn't an image immortalizing the moment that I gag and spit up some nasty flavored cake.  And just because you lack imagination and deem my idea of holding the wedding reception in a barn to be equivalent to your brother-in-law's body shop garage, doesn't actually make that true.  Oh yes, we have been down that road in the venue discussion.  So, poo-poohing has been a popular issue for me.  Is it too much to ask that the poo-poohing wait until after I've formed my opinion?  I'd like to have a decent head start on being able to defend myself.

Christian W. Klay Winery (401 Days to Go)

First off, I could totally kick myself for forgetting my camera in the car.  I mean seriously, all I had to do was say, "Oops, I'll be right back."  Less than two minutes.  But no, the camera remained in my bag, in the Mini, sitting in the parking lot.

I think it's partially because Jeff and I got to the winery a little early this past weekend and decided to get out of the car and stretch our legs after the early morning drive for nearly two hours.  Driving back into the Laurel Highlands from Pittsburgh involves some patience, the turnpike, and some back country highways that twist and wide up and down the mountains.  At first we weren't sure what to make of the place.  It had just finished raining, was gray and bleak, and we were situated at the bottom of a valley.  All we could really see was the barn from the outside, looking up at the ridges where the vineyards were, and a man-made pond with a fountain.

Christian W. Klay Winery is set into a valley in the Laurel Highlands less than ten minutes away from Ohiopyle  State Park and and about 20 minutes away from Falling Water.  When we finally got up with the vineyard's groundskeeper/manager, he gave us a driving tour of the property (since it was muddy and since it was a relatively large piece of property).  We got to see the main vineyard, the apple orchards, and a beautiful hill top grass field that feels as if the entire world is just dropping away from it.  There was even a valley field set further back on the property too.  Our favorite two spots on the property were the first two that we saw (probably lucky since we wouldn't want to be towing people back and forth much further than that).

The vineyard is at it's peak after the start of June.  Before that it's in the middle of needing pruned and the grass is about two feet high between all of the grapevines.  But by June, the grass is turned over and the vines are budding and turning green.  So for our wedding date, it would be in peak condition.  Essentially, we saw it at it's worse, and I think I could still work with it.  Except for maybe the two foot tall grass.  The vineyard itself is set on top of a ridge and the view looking out is exceptional.  The mountains are covered in trees and there's only a few houses and farms spotting the valley view below.

The field that was situated at the top of a ridge was a little more clean looking.  There were no orchards, grapevines, or any other agriculture.  Nothing but open air and a few trees on nearby ridges.  In all directions, it looked down into valleys much like the view from the vineyard.  And of course the mountains were gorgeous.  It was a perfect 360 panorama of Pennsylvania's nature at its finest.

The last possible location, and the furthest back, was a field set down into a valley.  We were informed it has lost its popularity over the years because it is no longer a field of wildflowers.  Both Jeff and I were a little disappointed that we are apparently getting married five years to late to enjoy this splendor.

Back at the barn, there was a fenced in field for event parking.  I'd imagine that there would be no trouble finding space for parking even with the large numbers that Jeff (not I) is expecting.  On the other side of the barn from the parking is the entrance with giant sliding doors.  Inside, the columns are wrapped in dried grapevines and twinklie lights and spot lights have been hung from some of the cross beams for the dance floor and additional lighting.  With only half of those lights on during the day, it was relatively well lit and provided the beginnings of a romantic setting.  The man who gave us the tour did not know all of the specifics (as he's not the actual event manager) about how many people could be seated in there, but he knew that there had been about 200 people in a banquet before.  In one corner of the barn was a walled off section for the catering prep which included stainless steel tables and a refrigerator--no oven/stove.  Also, a pair of wheeled bars were there as well and the floor was concrete.  The walls on two sides were newer than the other side.  This created a slightly discordant appearance, but Jeff and I talked about it and decided that with a little decorating, it wouldn't be noticed.

Back outside again, there was the pond that I mentioned earlier that even came with two geese.  Actually they were trying to give away this pair of lovebirds.  So if your interested, go pick them up.  But near the pond was a newly built pavilion.  Not a very large one, but after some chatter between Jeff and myself, we decided worst case scenario (that being rain of course) it would serve as an appropriate and still beautiful choice for a ceremony site.

And to sum up our tour of the winery, we got to do a wine tasting.  Jeff and I are anything but wine critics so our comments were pretty much limited to "amazing", "eh" and a scoring based on the 1-10 scale.  We're classy all the way.  This was important to us though that the let us taste the wine.  Especially since if we decide to go with the venue, we're required to buy at minimum two cases of wine.  We decided that only two wines weren't that good and that we would have no trouble selecting at least one white and one red wine to serve.  And we'd probably have to buy bottles of every desert wine to serve instead of a champagne toast.  As we drove away we were even talking about buying an entire case of their wine in order to open one bottle a year for our anniversary should we get married there.

Now, as we had been approaching the winery, we passed over the tippy top of a mountain and right past the Summit Inn Resort.  This place looked like it had dropped down on top of the mountain straight out of the 1940s (or even earlier).  No, I don't mean in a shabby run down way.  I mean in the elegance of the place.  It had character.  You could just tell by driving by.  On our way back, we decided to stop there and have lunch.  It seemed like a logical place to stay for the weekend if our wedding was at the winery so it would also be a logical place to have our rehearsal dinner too.

Before we could even get to the restaurant, we accidentally walked into a side door and right into their reception hall that was being set up for somebody else's wedding.  Oops.  I told you, we're all class.  So we glanced around, giggled a little at our mistake and ducked back out again.  But already, we were falling in love with the place.  The hall had been enormous.  The seating that was there for 100 barely even began to fill  a third of the space.  We finally found the main entrance which made me practically swoon at the huge patio deck.  It was gorgeous, absolutely picturesque.  I wanted to see me and my bridesmaids lined up against the rail looking radiant.  I wanted to get dressed for my wedding in this hotel.  

Once inside, I felt like I'd stepped back in time.  The lobby was enormous, a staircase leading up and to both sides like something out of the Sound of Music.  Actually, both of our first impressions was that of the Shining, but without the creepy girls in white dresses asking us to come play with them.  We got our lunch and Jeff went bonkers as his taste buds sang and danced.  He asked if we could instead have our wedding reception here.

After we ate, we talked to the women at the reception desk and found out that our date was already booked for another reception but that there were still plenty of rooms available for the weekend and that it wouldn't be a problem to have our rehearsal dinner the night before and our after party there the night of.  They even gave us the keys to a couple of different rooms and allowed us to give ourselves our own tour of the hotel.  The rooms were a tiny bit dated, but very clean looking.  And by dated, I simply mean the TVs were old.  But seriously, who's going to be watching TV that weekend?  There's going to be booze!

Everywhere we looked from the hotel, the view was gorgeous.  It was all valley views from the front.  And the back looked onto a slope of trees.  And in case our guests really are bummed by the old TVs, they could go play golf or jump into the enormous pool they had.  Or perhaps the heated out door hot tub?

We're still going to look at one other place in another week or so, but I have a feeling we're very quickly going to try and get everything booked and reserved to have our wedding between this resort and the winery.  All I know is that I'm definitely going to jump on the fact that Jeff is actually excited about planning our wedding.

Visiting Succop Conservancy (410 Days to Go)

On Saturday my FMIL and I headed to Butler County Community College's Succop Concervancy.  If I actually book this as my venue I'm going to have to shorten this somehow for the invitations.  That is a mouthful!  But it's looking relatively unlikely because they're already booked for the date that Jeff and I chose and we would have to postpone the wedding by at least a few months.

Succop is a beautiful location that would be appropriate for ~150 guests.  Their outdoor event pavillion has ceiling fans, space heaters, and drop sides available in order to stay off the weather should it decide to be unwilling to behave.  (See below for photos of these amenities) I can just imagine how pretty it would be as the sun began to set and it was completely covered in twinkly lights.  The only downside is that there is no built in dance floor--you would have to rent one.  The pavilion is located extraordinarily conveniently between two of the possible ceremony sites and the house.  A path leads from the kitchen door of the house to the pavilion for the catering staff's ease.  Which by the way there is only one available caterer for this venue, however their food is actually very good.  Also very near by is a pond which has a small peninsula.

As I mentioned before, there are two locations that are ideal for the actual wedding ceremony.  The first is the brick path right in front of the house.  The bridal party would all enter the aisle through the front door and walk straight out along the brick path which would serve as the aisle.  The chairs would be set up along the blacktop.  They have an awning that they can set up in the middle of the path to serve as the altar and be decorated.  It's a very scenic location and allows an outdoor ceremony that is very classy and elegant--just in case you're not into the down-to-earth setting of an herb garden.

The herb garden was the other setting that was very nice.  They have an awning that is permanently affixed there and is set at the end of an aisle that goes between the garden sections.  If I were to get married here, this is the setting I'd choose.  I even scoped it out that you could move from the house (kitchen door) around back through a back parking lot and around a structure.  Sounds silly, but if you're like me, you don't want everyone to be watching you slowly approach the ceremony from what feels like a million miles away.  I'd rather go a little out of my way in order to achieve a grand entrance.

But directly behind herb garden is the restrooms.  Don't panic.  They are not blatantly labeled as bathrooms.  That sign above the door simply says "Herb Garden".  But the reason I'm showing you this is because as I was saying earlier, the way you would probably make your entrance is by coming from behind this building.  And it's also very conveniently located to the pavilion.  There are only two bathrooms, but they're at least of a somewhat decent size (meaning there's room in there for both you and the MOH who needs to hold your dress up.

Going back to the house from the reception pavilion, there's a cute little patio behind the house.  There's only room for two tables, but depending on the number of people you have, it'd be a cute little place to hav brunch or tea before you start getting ready and dressed.  But it is one of the many places in and around the house that would make for beautiful photo opportunities.  The house is just as pretty inside as the grounds surrounding.  In fact, that was one of my favorite parts about the venue.  They had a really nice set up upstairs for dressing.  The bride and groom each had their own side which included two rooms.  The bride's side was a little more done up and had a much larger bathroom, but let's face it, what do the men care?  Also, there was a door that insured no peeking.  I liked the close proximity though because for us, we'll only have one photographer.  So it's nice to know they'd be able to easily move back and forth to take photos in both "camps."

I included all the other photos that I took that day so that you can get a better feel for how the Succop looks.  Like I said, there are many beautiful places around the grounds in order to take advantage of for photos and for your guests to wander during the cocktail hour.

Ceiling fans in the pavilion

Drop cloth walls to protect you and your guests from inclimate weather.

The path from the kitchen to the pavilion.

Standing in front of the bathrooms, and looking from the herb garden to the pavilion.

Walking out onto the peninsula in the middle of the pond.

Nearby walking paths

The park bench out on the peninsula

From the park bench looking back at the herb garden.

The barn located behind the house and pavilion.

From the pavilion path looking at the kitchen end of the house.

The bridal bathroom

The groom's changing rooms

OMG, Monday was Good? (424 Days to Go)

So Sunday, my mom came to visit Jeff and I and took us out to lunch (right after she helped repair what was an ice cream shortage and near crisis in our freezer with some fantastic Turkey Hill Ice Cream).  We went out for lunch at Bahama Breeze and caught up on everything that's been happening: my cousin's new baby, my mom's shop, lack of wedding plans, my job hunt, Jeff's wrist, etc.

While we were sitting there chatting my mom suggested I try Google-ing for barn dances to see if there's a location that would be suitable for our wedding but not necessarily marketed for weddings.  So, yesterday, I had a few spare moments to try searching for her suggested "search terms".  I got nada except for some college group trip to some place in Westmoreland county.  Couldn't find that farm once I tried to narrow in on it.  So I broadened back out and found a catering website with a ton of different farm and outdoor reception sites.  Carson's Weddings may have just restored my faith in being able to find an outdoor venue that I can afford and fall in love with.  Thank you!

So, Sunday night Jeff and I ended up having only what I can describe as an argument.  Only because I was super frustrated.  This weekend I'd had the bomb dropped on me that Jeff would not be available to go with me to venues, cake tasting, or anything unless I was able to make all arrangements be in the evenings or on Sundays that weren't "too busy".  Otherwise, everything is now on my shoulders to bear pretty much alone.  Because as much as I'd love to delegate looking at venues, I can't--not really at least.  I mean, let's be practical, would you let your mother go alone to view a possible venue and base your decision on description alone?  Of course not.  You might as well base your decision on photos from a website.

And of course, I'm starting to actually be busy teaching knitting on the weekends which means I will have even less free time now, specifically, fewer Sundays to try and coordinate with Jeff.  So, Sunday night I was upset because I have too much to do and not enough time and yet more keeps getting dumped on me every time I turn around--such as a fall craft show for the fire hall, more confirmation that the wedding is all on me, and of course all the house hold chores because he's still a gimp.  So not cut out for this much domestication all at once.

But what came of the discussion is that Jeff said he'd be willing to more or less be my personal wedding assistant.  He would take care of calling vendors and venues and setting up the appointments for me to attend.  It's a huge load off my back since I have a supervisor currently who won't leave me alone for five minutes and I've been getting only barely enough time to eat for the past several weeks.  More frustrating: a lack of getting paid for the significant amounts of overtime I have.  In short, the HR system punishes the workers if we are overtime because supervisors don't want to pay it and don't acknowledge that they've caused us overtime either.  It's actually less of a headache to suck it up and ask for a day off and cross your fingers your supervisor allows it. 

Now I only have to hope that Jeff doesn't keep forgetting to make calls on my behalf.  It's certainly happened before and it's frustrating because it causes delays but I can't do any better myself so I guess I have to be grateful for any help I can get.

But, to make Monday all the sweeter, I finally got a call for a job interview on Friday.  This girl needs to dig into the attic and resurrect some analytical chem texts and study up.  Wish me luck!

Stress, Gah... (438 Days to Go)

This weekend was stressful in one of those overwhelming ways, you know when you feel as if the whole world is crumbling down on you but really it's only a few things.  For me it was two things.  The first is that I feel like everyone has some stress going on and it's getting directed at me.  Jeff's wrist is broken and he's in a near constant state of irritability, understandably.  His father is usually off and on stressed with the business and that usually gets directed at Jeff since they're business partners but this weekend it was on me because I had asked if Jeff and I could go visit my family for Easter weekend (so I can go visit my cousin's new baby!) but that would require Jeff taking a day or two away from the shop.  Plus, as spring approaches, we may need to take some time to look at venues as well.  Never mind the fact that he's been taking half days here and there to go to doctor's appointments and eventually for the surgery he needs on his wrist.  So essentially, I'm feeling kind of like a bad guy for wanting to have my fiance be a) involved in my life and b) involved in the wedding planning.

Count me double stressed when everyone keeps telling me to just plan the wedding by myself because Jeff doesn't care.  I don't like making big decisions without consulting someone else first.  That in and of itself is stressful to me.  The last thing I want to do is plan our wedding without consulting the other person whom this day is supposed to be about.  Because if it's left up to me, I'll pick a tiny venue to save a lot of bucks and tell him to figure out who in his family's not invited.  I can see that going over incredibly well--not.  Don't worry, I'm kidding--sort of.  But if he doesn't go with me, there isn't someone to ask the questions I forget to ask.  And he's such a critic (food in particular) that I don't want to be stressing out from now until next year about whether or not he's going to hate our wedding, or more specifically the caterer.  It's one thing for him to criticize dinner and say it's bland and then the next month when I make it again, it's got more oregano.  It's another thing when it's a once in a lifetime event and the caterer falls short of everyone's expectations.  I don't get a re-do the next month.

Top that off with dinner at my in-laws house the other night and having my eleven year old niece think my entire life revolves around dress shopping and cake tasting.  I wish.  Wouldn't it be great if one year of our lives could be dedicated to such fun, frivolous activities?  And better yet, if it wouldn't cost a fortune to do that and only that for a year.  And for dessert, my FMIL decided to tell me where I'm going wrong in looking for a new job.  Such as apparently I'm not looking hard enough if I'm not applying to Bayer, Fisher, etc.  I wish it were the late seventies when jobs were handed out willy-nilly.  Unfortunately, I can't mail in a resume for jobs that just aren't available.  Yes, those companies are hiring; they're just not hiring scientists.  They're hiring business majors to work in sales and customer service.

Which brings me around to the real underlying stress I'm having in trying to locate a more stable job for myself.  There simply aren't any in the Pittsburgh area that have much or anything to do with forensic science.  The closest forensic labs are Allegheny County and Westmoreland County.  Neither of which are hiring.  Trying to find a job in the private sector is turning out to be very tricky as well.  I'm over qualified thanks to my masters degree and under qualified thanks to my current job not giving me much in the way of experience to back up my degree and knowledge of biology, biochemistry, and analytical chemistry.  So it's starting to look more and more like I have to widen my search to outside the area which could very possibly mean my moving away for several years.  And after a few years, there's no guarantee that I'd be able to find a job and move back to the area.  Making it even more difficult: my fiance would not be able to move with me and in some cases refuses to even consider moving.  For instance, I could apply to be a state trooper, spend six months in training, and more likely than not be positioned in Philadelphia where I have to fulfill a minimum of three years before I can request a transfer to a state forensic lab.  Even if Jeff were free of the business he runs with his father, he swears he would never move to Philadelphia.  Granted, if I can hold out for two to three more years before heading in a more career related direction, he's willing to go just about anywhere (as long as it's not Philadelphia).

So what's a girl to do?  On one hand, I have my career which is going absolutely nowhere, except for down, down, down.  My current job is about as stable as a seesaw and most of coworkers are actually trying to help me brainstorm places to look for a new job.  The trouble with working in academia is that your paycheck comes from grants.  So, when the grants stop coming, so does the paycheck.  My lab group is dwindling right now because a bunch of grad students are finishing up their thesis and moving on.  When they move on, they take their grants with them and money was already a bit tight before.  That doesn't build a whole lot of confidence in the fact that my job may still exist by the time I go from Ms. to Mrs.  On the other hand I have my personal life which is for the first time in my twenty some years on an upswing.  That's not exactly something I want to put on hold right in the middle of planning a wedding.  I'm kind of stubborn and I don't want to put off our wedding or anything else that comes with married life.  I'm ready to settle down and buy a house and get out of our little three room apartment.  At some point, *gasp!*, I even want to have kids.  I can't do any of the above on my current salary and definitely can't do it if I'm unemployed.  I certainly don't like feeling as though I'm stuck having to choose one aspect of my life over the other with very little compromise.  I even recognize that I am my own biggest obstacle to finding a better job because I'm placing to much priority on my personal life.  But isn't that a terrible thing to say?  That my personal life goals are such a huge hindrance to my career goals.  I wish it was as simple as me quitting my current job and taking up waitressing instead.  I'd certainly be better off financially (an pretty terrible statement on the scientific community).  However, it'd be the same as career suicide and then I can really start to regret that pile of student loans that seems to be growing.