Ending the Reprieve (368 Days to Go)

It feels like it's been forever since I've blogged.  Oh, wait, it kind of has been.

Essentially I more or less had to completely remove myself from anything and everything wedding related for a little while or else I was going to turn Bride-zilla and never come back from the edge.

We finally found our venue, so I'm pretty ecstatic about that.  We're going to be having an outdoor ceremony lakeside at Penn Scenic View and then moving the reception indoors.  It even has a large balcony area overlooking the lake for cocktail hour.  Going to see the venue had been an experience all on it's own.  But that's what happens when you have three additional opinions and inane questions being asked.  Add to that major sleep deprivation and you have a cocktail so sour no one wants to take a sip.

To add to the hectic vibe of the day, I got a phone call two days earlier that my wedding dress had arrived more than four months earlier than expected.  I made arrangements to get to the shop just before closing the same day that we were looking at our wedding venue in order to try and save on gas.  Remember, three weeks ago, gas was at it's highest price ever.

Now since my fiance was going along to see the venue, we had to drive separately so that he could leave at that point of the day to go teach his class that also happened to be nearby.  But that still left me with two mothers and an 11-year-old niece in tow.  The moment we walked in the door, our niece started to whine about wanting to try on her bridesmaid dress.  When I explained that it hadn't been chosen yet, she insisted that she would choose.  I told her no.  Of course the two mothers insisted we might as well check some out.  Insert enormous eye roll here for getting unwanted opinions on something that doesn't directly pertain to these people.

I then listened to both mothers lecture on how bridesmaids have to be matchy-matchy and that it wouldn't be appropriate for half of my bridesmaids to wear their dresses with straps and the rest not to.  It didn't seem to matter to them that the bridesmaids (who like me) can't wear straps because of sloped shoulders would be a distraction every five minutes by adjusting their straps.  Or better yet, the busty ones forced to forego straps would be popping out mid ceremony.  I pretty much lost my cool and told them they both needed to shut up because it wasn't their decision and that bridesmaids dresses had moved on since either of them had last been married.  See the bride-zilla wanting to come out and snap?

Finally, my consultant was free to bring out my dress.  It was a perfect fit.  And I mean perfect.  My grandmother will only have to hem it by one inch and bustle it.  Talk about easy-peasy.  However, by the time I got my dress, my niece had been whining sufficiently long enough to convince my mother to go pick out some dresses for her.  Now keep in mind, she's eleven and just starting to wear juniors clothes and is approximately a size 5.  I am a size 10 and had to order a size 16 which turned out to be a perfect fit.

She tries on one dress and it doesn't quite zip up and she starts bawling about how fat she is.  And I mean bawling.  This kid has officially stolen the title of bride-zilla and she's only the junior bridesmaid.  I am now standing in my wedding dress and fielding glares from every other customer in the store.  And nothing can get her to stop crying!  She literally has a psychological problem in which she's convinced herself that she is so overweight to the point where she works out more than Richard Simmons.

When she finally does stop crying, she has adamantly decided that there is a dress she wants to wear for my wedding because it is literally a hot pink short skirted version of mine.  I glare at my mother for even pulling the dress off the rack and put my foot down.  Absolutely not.  First off because it's nearly three hundred dollars and I will not ask that of my bridesmaids.  Secondly, I am not going to have my bridesmaids look like me on my day.  Call me selfish, but I want to be a little unique aside from the fact that I'm the only one wearing white.  I certainly don't want my dress to be less awe inspiring just because the guests have already seen seven different colored versions of it walk down the aisle before me.  This puts her into another burst of tears.  And for once, I can't wait to get out of my wedding gown and out of the store.  I'm tired of getting glares that accuse me of being an evil wench just because my niece is psychotic and spoiled.

That day, Jeff and I also clarified with our mothers how the guest list would be split.  My mother was perfectly okay with the split.  His parents were very much not okay.  They felt as if we were shorting them.  Que extended pain and suffering due to guest list limitations for quite a while longer.  Eventually I learned that this stemmed from her feeling as though we'd be shorting ourselves on the available guest list for the bridal shower.  Insert large eyeroll here for a bunch of useless kitchen gadgets that would be triplicated with a bridal shower.  Jeff and I already have too many rolling pins and wooden spoons, thank you very much.

I spent the next week on the phone with everyone.  The venue manager (in order to obtain contracts for every cabin/lodge on the property), the caterer to finalize the date and location, the event planner, etc.  I signed away nearly every penny to my name in order to put down deposits and spread the joyful news to my bridesmaids and groomsmen that their lodging for the weekend would be all expenses paid.  I then put away everything wedding related and vowed to not give it a second thought for at least a few weeks.

Memorial Day weekend reopened a few of the wounds however.  Mostly due to the 11-year-old niece who spent a great deal of time again whining about her weight.  Combine that with the fact that she's missed her period for a couple of months and you have me greatly agitated that she won't listen when you tell her that she's working out too much and is now getting to be too thin.  Pretty soon, I'll be kidnapping her to put her in the hospital for eating disorder treatment.  But she was also complaining about how I'm not going to be including her in going to choose the bridesmaids dresses in a few months (in about August probably).  I explained as nicely as I could that I needed the time to be for big girls and that I could not be baby-sitting her.  I needed the freedom to be able to go out for dinner with my girlfriends who would be coming in from out of town and not feel like I have to say no because she can't go barhopping afterwards.  Also, she has too expensive of taste.  Top that off with eventually if she doesn't become anorexic, she'll outgrow her dress whereas the other girls will have their dressing hanging in their closets for a few years to come.  She doesn't seem to quite grasp that dresses cost money that the rest of us work hard for.  She merely sees it as grandma will be paying for it, so who cares about what those little numbers are following that weird "S" shaped symbol.

Once I finally got the wedding to be off topic for the weekend while we were camping, I still had to deal with her obsessive behavior on her weight.  And the multiple attempts on her 2-year-old sister's life due to stupidity.  And every time that you yell at the older girl to stop doing something, she turns it into, "Why do you hate me?!" and goes running off.  Personally, I don't think it's smart for a girl who can't tread water to be standing on the slick steps to a 30-foot quarry with her baby sister.  To complete that mental image, my fiance who uses those stairs almost as much as he does the ones we have at home, fell on them twice and neither girl had on a life jacket.  I about died when I saw them down there by themselves.  And when she ran off all upset that I hated her, she then tried to lie to her grandfather about why her baby sister was soaked up to her waist.  Adorable 2-year-old of course is telling her pappy all about standing in the water with the fishies.

I officially no longer want children.  For gosh sakes, they don't even wait to be teenagers anymore before they become pathological liars with eating disorders.  What the heck?!

Now you can understand why I haven't been writing for a while.  There's nothing like spending your time ranting on a kid.  I feel bad, but I don't know how to get through to her and it does nothing but stress me out to be around her all the time.  Jeff is actually the one who's dubbed her bride-zilla.  And when I really need some time away to get my head together and collected and calm, it really doesn't help when this girl insists on attaching herself to me all the time.  I appreciate that she wants to spend time with me, but I can't be her mother, especially when her mom wants to be her mom.  And I definitely cannot keep sacrificing time with my fiance in order to play happy family with her, especially if she's going to have more mood swings than I can manage in a month in the course of one evening.

Preparing to Go See More Venues (396 Days to Go)

So this weekend Jeff and I are going back out to the Laurel Highlands/Westmoreland County area in order to view two more venues.  This time we're going to go look at Scenic View (which has a lake and a relatively nice looking lodge) and we're actually hoping to get inside of the Falling Water venue this time instead of just peeking in through the windows and cracks.

However this time we'll be going with my FMIL and 11-year-old niece in tow.  This worries me.  They sort of invited themselves along on Mother's Day and both Jeff and I didn't have the heart to refuse.  I mean there's really no fantastic reason as to why we should refuse.  Is there?  Now I'm slightly worried that the nearly constant poo-poohing that's been going on will taint Jeff and I's initial feelings about one or another venue.  The other problem is that my FMIL has not seen the winery/resort that Jeff and I did and even if I drive her up to the location she will not get the full tour.  Therefore she might start to tell us that we should pick one location over another without having as much information as we do.  This is a point of concern for me.  Especially now when I found out that she's been to see two venues without either Jeff or I going with her.  Luckily she came to the conclusion on her own that they will not be suitable.  Still, isn't this a decision for Jeff and I to make?

It also brings up another problem.  My mother was not invited to go.  And I have now spent the last two days trying to get a hold of her to take care of this possible situation.  If I don't invite her, it will eventually come to her attention that my FMIL did go along without my mother also being given the opportunity.  Of course this will result in all kinds of hurt feelings and awkwardness.  So, therefore I'm trying to avoid that.  There is the chance that she'll understand that I'm stuck with the extra carpool guests and not come, however, if I do invite her, she may come along and be yet one more unwanted opinion. 

Yes, I'm already preparing myself for the very real possibility that my FMIL's opinion after this weekend will be unwanted.  Not because she will necessarily be wrong or without good taste, but just not fully informed or concerned with the same aspects that Jeff and I are.  Her goals for the venue are merely the number of chairs, air conditioning and bathrooms.  Each are very important, yes, but they are not the sole goals that Jeff and I seek.  At least we both semi agree on the all important dollar.  Well almost, I'm the biggest cheapskate of the bunch which is why we're looking all the way out where we are. 

I hate to say that in some ways my mother might actually be closer to being on my side for once.  I think for the most part though lately she's trying to sit on the fence so as to not offend anyone, but if she's forced to choose, she has been picking my side.  This is kind of a first for her and I.  Mom has been better about listening to me and accepting that there are certain things that are important to me, such as the scenery, the vibe, etc. of a place.  These are things that account for naught with my FILs.  They are very much in favor of a very utilitarian wedding.  Boo.  This is my one and only wedding and I want it to be special and I'm determined not to make my wedding to Jeff feel like a dress rehearsal for something else.  This is what happens when you're the daughter of someone who's been remarried as often as my mother.

I must sound terrible.  I sound terrible to me just reading this.  It's just that I'm really getting my heart set on something and it's important to me that people stop poo-poohing everything.  It's my wedding, gosh darn it, and most importantly it's my money and future debt.  It doesn't thrill me that everyone else wants their opinion counted twice while mine gets ignored or worse yet, trampled on.  I understand that no one is expecting a fancy, frilly wedding.  But did anyone consider that it's what I want?  I want for my wedding to be memorable.  I don't want my wedding to blend in with everyone else's that we know.  So what if they all had their receptions in some white-walled reception hall?  I want mine to have a connection with nature.  So what if every other wedding you've gone to served crappy, tiny slices of cake.  I don't plan to.  Does that mean I shouldn't bother tasting cakes at all before I order it?  I'd like to make sure that when it's smashed into my face it won't chip a tooth.  And I definitely want to make sure that there isn't an image immortalizing the moment that I gag and spit up some nasty flavored cake.  And just because you lack imagination and deem my idea of holding the wedding reception in a barn to be equivalent to your brother-in-law's body shop garage, doesn't actually make that true.  Oh yes, we have been down that road in the venue discussion.  So, poo-poohing has been a popular issue for me.  Is it too much to ask that the poo-poohing wait until after I've formed my opinion?  I'd like to have a decent head start on being able to defend myself.

Easter Showers (411 Days to Go)

So yesterday was Easter.  And there were random showers throughout the day.  Luckily nothing quite like what they'd called for on the weather reports that I'd read.  Especially since my eldest niece was given the task of seeking out camouflaged eggs out of doors.  The rest of the children had it easy finding brightly colored eggs inside out of the rain.  The girls were all very excited and very pleased with everything they got for Easter.  Apparently the bunny had been very kind indeed to them.  Granted, the bunny had indicated to Jeff and I that a kite would be a good gift for Breanne and a "laptop" for Mackenzie would tickle the little girl.  Mackenzie is always trying to play with her pappy's laptop so we figured she'd want one of her own.  It's aimed at girls older than her and has educational aspects, but for now she's happy to just hit buttons and make stuff happen on the screen, whether or not she understands it.

If only those showers coming down from the sky would have been the only damper on the day for Jeff and I.  Unfortunately, we were also struck by the misfortune that the shower in our apartment now has a cracked floor which is causing an incredibly large amount of leaking into the shop below us.  In short, this means that we are without a shower and will be until we can buy an entirely new shower surround.  We went this weekend and looked at Home Depot and are considering buying a corner unit because it would make our teeny tiny bathroom feel a little more open and we would be able to install some shelving in order to create ourselves a place for our linens.  I'm extremely in favor of anything that will make our bathroom feel larger considering that since I've moved in, all of my makeup, hair accessories, and anything else cosmetic has been in a large Rubbermaid bin that has gone completely untouched because there's nowhere to put it.

We've also been coming to the conclusion lately that there is no way we'll ever be able to afford to move out of our apartment--for at least three years.  This has caused me incredible amounts of stress.  In the months that I've lived here, it's never really felt like home.  I've been living out of boxes to some degree and have never been able to establish an area to be a workspace for sewing, scrapbooking, or whatever.  And with the wedding coming up, this essentially translates into me having no place whatsoever for me to work on things such as putting together save-the-dates or invitations or favors.  So now we've decided that it's time to turn the attic upstairs into a liveable space.  Essentially right now it has holes in the floor and looks exactly as it did two days after it was burned out many years ago.  When Jeff and his parents fixed up the apartment, they'd never bothered really with the attic.  So now we have to tackle that as a project as well.  So we're basically going to end up investing a decent amount of money into remodeling our bathroom and attic just to make our place liveable for the sort-of short term instead of being able to save the money towards a down payment on a house.  Essentially we're in a Catch 22 situation.  A little amusing considering that Catch 22 is Jeff's favorite book.

It's been another one of those incredibly stressful weekends.  I keep hoping that something will give (aside from me) but it seems as though luck is not all that much in my favor.  Jeff keeps telling me to not feel so responsible for us, but it's hard not to when I know that I should be much better off career wise and I just can't seem to get there.  Everyone keeps telling me that it will all come in time, but I feel as though I'm not asking for too much to be able to afford to buy a house especially when I have a masters degree.  Instead, I have the debts belonging to that degree and the salary belonging to a lucky high school dropout.  I did get a job offer from that interview I had last week, but the offer is incredibly low.  I now have to wait until I can review the offer packet and see if I can somehow negotiate a better offer.  What makes it more stressful and frustrating though is that I can't really turn down the job either.  There aren't other jobs available and I can't stay where I'm at either.  Yet another one of those incredibly frustrating Catch 22s.

Guest List Problems Resolved? (414 Days to Go)

So Jeff and I came to an agreement on how to divide up the guest list.  I'm extremely grateful that he understood where I was coming from in that my mom and I needed to be guaranteed that we could invite a certain number at bare minimum.

It's amazing to me when I read all these posts and information provided on the internet and in books about how people traditionally split a guest list.  So many people go with 25/50/25 or 33/33/33--or should I say that they all seem to recommend that split.  I'm beginning to chalk those numbers up towards the top of my list for pretty bad wedding advice.

What I couldn't understand is why when Jeff and I are paying for the wedding was it assumed that the split should be made so unevenly?  I'm sure there are always exceptions, especially since these aren't rules, just guidelines.  But even when a family is relatively lopsided in size, there should be some give more so towards even than in the other direction.  In the end Jeff and I did go with our split of 20/45/35 in order to try and balance between the sizes of families but also to make sure that our own friends are invited as well.  I think once it was out of the heat of the moment, he realized that his friends were also being pushed off the guest list too.

So how does one come up with the right balance for the guest list?  There are limitations made by the venue.  So my first piece of advice to other brides-to-be would be to get the venue booked first.  And if you can't get enough peace from the in-laws jockeying for guest list dominance before the venue is booked, get an idea of how large a venue you're able to a) find and b) afford.  For Jeff and I, it looks like we'll find something around 200.  But based on location and budgets, this will vary quite a bit.  Next we looked at the numbers that each of our parents was giving us and the number of friends we wanted to invite.  Then we started to get realistic for our parents.  Sounds a little cruel, right?  Well, you have to be.  Sorry, in-laws! Jeff's parents were way over and my mom was slightly undershooting just to cover the "must haves".  I then came up with a split that would give his parents a slight majority to cover their larger family, gave my mom just enough to cover the must haves in our family, and trimmed Jeff and I as much as I dared considering our large number of bridesmaids and groomsmen.  In coming up with our split I made sure that everyone had enough for the "must haves" but that myself and Jeff's parents both had to start making some choices about who needed to get shifted to a "B-list".  The B-list is not the abyss of the guest list.  Essentially the plan is to send out invitations to the "A-list" or the "must haves" and set a RSVP reply date far in advance of the caterer's final count deadline.  Once some people begin to RSVP that they cannot make it is when you start sending out the invitations to the B-list.  Odds are very likely at least in my case that most if not all of the B-list (as long as it doesn't get any more out of control) will end up receiving an invitation.  However, this does make sure that Murphy's Law does not go into effect where I end up with fifty more guests at my wedding than I have food or seats for.

Granted, it'll be about 6-9 months before I know whether or not my crazy idea of establishing a rule will actually work to save my sanity.  In all likeliness it will result in me scrambling to make more invitations than I thought I needed and trying to find more supplies and time as it comes down to the wire.  But I'm hoping that at least in the meantime that it will end a lot of arguments over who deserves to control the guest list.  By creating a split, I wash my hands of everyone else's guest lists.  Essentially, I don't tell them who to invite, and they don't tell me who I can invite.  It's everyone's responsibility to prioritize their own lists and hand them over with updated mailing addresses to me by fall so that I can start to send out save the dates to the A-lists.  I've already made the sworn promise that going over on numbers will result in me whacking names from the list starting at the bottom.  For instance, if my mom gives me a list of 45 rather than 40, I drop the last five people no matter how awkwardly I split up the Yoder family.

Allergies, blech (416 Days to Go)

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. My allergies have gone completely haywire on me.  Add onto that a bucket of wedding related stress and you have a maelstrom better known as the common cold with a side of vengeance.

Beaver County Times

So I eventually found the photo that the photographer took while at the Penguins game Saturday night.  Surprisingly I'm not disappointed in how my hair looks.  Perhaps I should be photographed from behind more often.  The poster has been tucked away in our basement to be saved for another day. Granted, if the weather keeps up what it's been doing yesterday and today, I'm not sure we'll be going out to the game Saturday.  Or hiding Easter eggs for the nieces either.  But rain is a way of life in Pittsburgh.  You either get used to it or you go crazy.

Saturday, I taught my four students at Jo Ann's.  We finally found a time that worked for everyone's crazy schedule.  It was highly entertaining working with all of them.  But that's usually what you get from two sisters and their two daughters.  There was a lot of teasing flying around the table.

After both Jeff and I were done with work, we went to his parents' house for dinner.  And that's pretty much when and where the weekend started to meltdown for me.  I'm starting to reach a high level of frustration having to do with the wedding.  So it doesn't help that nearly every time we go to visit them, they want an update or to discuss the wedding in some form.  So, Jeff and I showed them the venues we plan to look at in early May.  Which then led to a discussion of the guest list since the venue will determine the max number of guests.  Jeff and I are trying to find some place that's decently large but finding a venue to hold more than 200 is frustrating and often expensive.  I did not cope well at all with Jeff and his father both joking around saying that we'll just send out 500 invitations and see what happens.  Top that off with Jeff's mom insisting that there are a minimum of 150 people from their family (not including any family friends) who just have to be invited.  No matter how much I told them it had to be prioritized and brought down, I kept being told that I was wrong that people wouldn't come and I should relax.  I did the opposite.  I started to cry.  Yep.  I started to bawl like a baby right at the dining room table and ran away.

I still don't think Jeff quite understands how much stress I'm under.  I'm constantly being told to just do it myself, and yet, I'm also constantly told that my best isn't right or good enough.  That and I don't like the idea of someone telling me (repeatedly) that Jeff's family is more important as far as getting invited than my family or friends.  Just because his family is larger, doesn't make it more important.  It just means they need to prioritize a little more and I'm sure that they'll understand that we have both budget and seating constraints.  But I can't start cutting my portion of the guest list back down to just my mom and grandma.  Heck, just to invite our bridesmaids, groomsmen and their dates will be 24 guests.

So yesterday, I made a proposal to Jeff about setting the division of guests into stone.  My initial proposal being if there are hypothetically 200 seats available, his parents get 70, my mom gets 40, he and I split the remaining 90.  This means that he and I each get 45.  From our 45 gets subtracted 12 each for our respective members of the bridal party and their guests.  That means we each only have 33 guests to choose ourselves.  So, if the parents have too many guests, they go to their respective child and ask to use some of our remaining 33 spaces.  If we use them, too bad, so sad.  Re-prioritize and give me a B-list for when we start getting some "no"s back on the RSVPs.  

I feel like this is the only way to be fair.  That way my mom has a fair chance of getting to invite family and friends and so do I without having to feel pressured.  Although, right now, bullied feels like a more appropriate term whether or not that's Jeff's parents intention.  I'm fairly certain that it isn't their intention to bully me, but I'm under way too much stress right now to feel differently.  I mean, at one point my FMIL actually told me that my friends from work didn't matter because as soon as I got a new job they wouldn't care about me anymore.  Um, didn't I just spend Friday night hanging out with one of them?  Yeah...  Didn't one of them convince me to get on Match to meet Jeff?  Yeah...  My friends from work are my friends. Period.  Just as my friends from college are my friends.  They've been there fore me quite often more so than my own family.  Like hell they don't get invited.

Am I slightly crazy for trying to get the numbers broken down over a year in advance and set into stone?  Perhaps.  But I'd like to think that if Jeff and I agree on a rule, that it will end a lot of these stress inducing conversations about who deserves to be at Jeff and I's wedding.  Because in all seriousness, I'm ready to call the whole thing off if things don't start to get better soon.  No I don't mean leaving Jeff.  No I don't mean getting eloped.  

Speaking of which, I'd be one dead girl if I eloped.  My eldest cousin did that and she was nearly murdered and she's the "perfect one".  Being the youngest, I have no excuse of "I didn't know it was taboo" because I have very clearly gotten the imagery of me with knives impaling my chest if I elope or have a destination wedding in which my family would not be able to attend.  I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't be a better picture if I have the wedding nearby and still don't invite my family simply because there "isn't room" after Jeff's family fills the guest list.  I just don't think that's going to cut it with them.

But anyway, I'm about ready to settle in for a lifetime engagement if this is what wedding planning is going to be cracked up to be for the next 416 days.  Already my immune system has thrown in the towel.  What more do they want from me?

Stress, Gah... (438 Days to Go)

This weekend was stressful in one of those overwhelming ways, you know when you feel as if the whole world is crumbling down on you but really it's only a few things.  For me it was two things.  The first is that I feel like everyone has some stress going on and it's getting directed at me.  Jeff's wrist is broken and he's in a near constant state of irritability, understandably.  His father is usually off and on stressed with the business and that usually gets directed at Jeff since they're business partners but this weekend it was on me because I had asked if Jeff and I could go visit my family for Easter weekend (so I can go visit my cousin's new baby!) but that would require Jeff taking a day or two away from the shop.  Plus, as spring approaches, we may need to take some time to look at venues as well.  Never mind the fact that he's been taking half days here and there to go to doctor's appointments and eventually for the surgery he needs on his wrist.  So essentially, I'm feeling kind of like a bad guy for wanting to have my fiance be a) involved in my life and b) involved in the wedding planning.

Count me double stressed when everyone keeps telling me to just plan the wedding by myself because Jeff doesn't care.  I don't like making big decisions without consulting someone else first.  That in and of itself is stressful to me.  The last thing I want to do is plan our wedding without consulting the other person whom this day is supposed to be about.  Because if it's left up to me, I'll pick a tiny venue to save a lot of bucks and tell him to figure out who in his family's not invited.  I can see that going over incredibly well--not.  Don't worry, I'm kidding--sort of.  But if he doesn't go with me, there isn't someone to ask the questions I forget to ask.  And he's such a critic (food in particular) that I don't want to be stressing out from now until next year about whether or not he's going to hate our wedding, or more specifically the caterer.  It's one thing for him to criticize dinner and say it's bland and then the next month when I make it again, it's got more oregano.  It's another thing when it's a once in a lifetime event and the caterer falls short of everyone's expectations.  I don't get a re-do the next month.

Top that off with dinner at my in-laws house the other night and having my eleven year old niece think my entire life revolves around dress shopping and cake tasting.  I wish.  Wouldn't it be great if one year of our lives could be dedicated to such fun, frivolous activities?  And better yet, if it wouldn't cost a fortune to do that and only that for a year.  And for dessert, my FMIL decided to tell me where I'm going wrong in looking for a new job.  Such as apparently I'm not looking hard enough if I'm not applying to Bayer, Fisher, etc.  I wish it were the late seventies when jobs were handed out willy-nilly.  Unfortunately, I can't mail in a resume for jobs that just aren't available.  Yes, those companies are hiring; they're just not hiring scientists.  They're hiring business majors to work in sales and customer service.

Which brings me around to the real underlying stress I'm having in trying to locate a more stable job for myself.  There simply aren't any in the Pittsburgh area that have much or anything to do with forensic science.  The closest forensic labs are Allegheny County and Westmoreland County.  Neither of which are hiring.  Trying to find a job in the private sector is turning out to be very tricky as well.  I'm over qualified thanks to my masters degree and under qualified thanks to my current job not giving me much in the way of experience to back up my degree and knowledge of biology, biochemistry, and analytical chemistry.  So it's starting to look more and more like I have to widen my search to outside the area which could very possibly mean my moving away for several years.  And after a few years, there's no guarantee that I'd be able to find a job and move back to the area.  Making it even more difficult: my fiance would not be able to move with me and in some cases refuses to even consider moving.  For instance, I could apply to be a state trooper, spend six months in training, and more likely than not be positioned in Philadelphia where I have to fulfill a minimum of three years before I can request a transfer to a state forensic lab.  Even if Jeff were free of the business he runs with his father, he swears he would never move to Philadelphia.  Granted, if I can hold out for two to three more years before heading in a more career related direction, he's willing to go just about anywhere (as long as it's not Philadelphia).

So what's a girl to do?  On one hand, I have my career which is going absolutely nowhere, except for down, down, down.  My current job is about as stable as a seesaw and most of coworkers are actually trying to help me brainstorm places to look for a new job.  The trouble with working in academia is that your paycheck comes from grants.  So, when the grants stop coming, so does the paycheck.  My lab group is dwindling right now because a bunch of grad students are finishing up their thesis and moving on.  When they move on, they take their grants with them and money was already a bit tight before.  That doesn't build a whole lot of confidence in the fact that my job may still exist by the time I go from Ms. to Mrs.  On the other hand I have my personal life which is for the first time in my twenty some years on an upswing.  That's not exactly something I want to put on hold right in the middle of planning a wedding.  I'm kind of stubborn and I don't want to put off our wedding or anything else that comes with married life.  I'm ready to settle down and buy a house and get out of our little three room apartment.  At some point, *gasp!*, I even want to have kids.  I can't do any of the above on my current salary and definitely can't do it if I'm unemployed.  I certainly don't like feeling as though I'm stuck having to choose one aspect of my life over the other with very little compromise.  I even recognize that I am my own biggest obstacle to finding a better job because I'm placing to much priority on my personal life.  But isn't that a terrible thing to say?  That my personal life goals are such a huge hindrance to my career goals.  I wish it was as simple as me quitting my current job and taking up waitressing instead.  I'd certainly be better off financially (an pretty terrible statement on the scientific community).  However, it'd be the same as career suicide and then I can really start to regret that pile of student loans that seems to be growing.